


Noel Fielding's Luminary Dream

by KINGOFMODS



Category: Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy
Genre: AU, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Season 2, Some Action
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-03-10 15:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KINGOFMODS/pseuds/KINGOFMODS
Summary: Noel and the Luxury Cafe gang enter a call-in competition in pursuit of winning a whole 24 hours to spend with the biggest rock star across the universe.Or simply put: If Julian were to be a character in Luxcom.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First off, huge thanks to fearandleather on Tumblr for spell checking my shit because god knows I'm 5 and cant do it myself.
> 
> Second thing, this prompt came about in one of my art streams upon culumacilinte on Tumblr requesting that I draw Luxury Comedy Noel meeting one of Julian's characters, which lead to me crapping out this:  
> https://78.media.tumblr.com/60f00631397857987e57358e6da27052/tumblr_p2vo2cDUiL1ttzsn3o3_400.png  
> And we all thought it could make a fun lil fic, so as they say 'If you want something done you gotta do it yourself' amiright? 
> 
> I just hope you guys enjoy!

“Andy what are you doing? Stop tidying up and grab a line, the program’s about to start!” Noel called over his shoulder, shaking fingers spinning the dial to the old television set on the shelf.  
He couldn’t really reach without leaning on the tips of his toes.

“My apologies, I thought the episode had started already.” Andy’s mechanical voice drew near, abandoning the crumb-covered booth that needed to be swept.

“Not our show, _the_ show, Life Long Luminary.” Noel stressed. He lowered himself and swiped up the shop's phone in one hand and his personal cell in the other. “Has the number gone up already?” he asked the room impatiently, to which Dolly rolled her eyes.

“We’ve gone over this Noel, it isn’t going to be revealed until the show goes live.”

Smooth and Andy had the pleasure of clocking into the shop only 20 minutes before, whereas Dolly made the mistake of turning up early to set up her laptop and hook up some more phones.  
She’d been the one to deal with Noel’s excessive nattering all morning.

“Sorry, I’m just-”

“Excited. We know.” the others droned in unison.

“We all are Noel. Some people just have a more chill way of showing it.” Dolly clarified. “I’m not freaking out because I bet Johnny prefers indifferent characters. He must deal with people like you all the time. Besides, he’s just a person.”

“Right. Johnny Jet-Beam is ‘just a person’.” he snapped back, air quotes included. “And what’s that suppose to mean? I’m chill.”

 The others shrugged and mumbled sounds of disagreement, prompting him to further defend himself.

“I’ve got chill!”

More murmurs of protest. He ignored them and pressed on.

“And what’s it matter what you think Johnny likes? You aren’t the president of the Jet-Beam fan club are you?”

“I am actually.” She mentioned, casually taking a sip of her tea.

“What? No, you’re not.”

“She is.” Smooth piped up. He had a phone plastered in decorative shells pressed between his shoulder and his face.

“What?”

“We did a revote.”

“Wh-bu- A revote! You all did a revote without me?!”

Everyone exchanged glances and continued going about their business, detangling rotary and landline cords.

“Unbelievable. I didn’t consent to this. What position did you bump me down to? Vice president?”

Another exchange of glances. Andy shook his head.

“Secretary?...”

No answer.

“Oh god… Not treasurer?” Noel groaned.

“That’s all that was left Noel,” Dolly testified as if it made the dull title any shinier.

“Seriously? The treasurer isn’t even a real position. It’s just the position you give to that one kid so they don’t feel left out. What do they even do anyway?”

“They deal with budgeting.” Andy chimed in, having once been that one kid.

“You want me to budget?” he pointed a finger at himself in bafflement. “I’ve already spent half the budget of this season or hair-spray and fruit snacks,”

“We could have just kicked you out but Andy thought that would be too cruel,” Dolly confessed, shooting an entertained look to Smooth, the probably current Vice-President of the Jet-Beam fan club.

“Wow. That’s so unfair!”

“Well nothing was fair with you as head of office Noel, it was like a dictatorship.” Dolly pointed out.

He scoffed, shocked by her accusation.

“Yeah, I’m not a fucking dictator am I?”

“You kinda were…” Andy quietly recognized, Smooth nodding in agreement.

“We were totally a democracy! Remember that time we all voted on shirt colours?”

“Yeah, but when we all voted purple over red you pitched a fit and made the shirts red anyway,”

“Okay. Maybe T-shirts weren’t the best example, but red makes my eyes pop more…Besides, I know way more about Johnny Jet-Beam than you lot,” Noel boasted.

“Are you sure about that?” Smooth challenged.

“Positive,”

“Positive?”

“Positive,”

“You sure?”

“Super sure,”

“Super sure?”

“Super sure,”

“Negative?”

“Neg-Wh- Stop trying to confuse me.”

“When’s his birthday?”

“Easy. April 4th. He’s an Aries.”

“Highest grossing record?”

“ Mozzarella Mind Melt, went triple diamond.”

“What’s the 5th track, side B?”

“Pony Batter and the Two Whistles. Smooth, I’m telling you I could answer these questions in my sleep.”

“ Shoe size?”

“12.5.”

 “Grandfather’s name?”

“Thaddeus.”

 “Grandmothers?”

“Glenda.”

Dolly shook her head in disapproval.

“Wrong,” Andy smiled giddily. “Her name is Glinda. Very close Noel.”

“What?! Her name is so Glenda!”

Dolly and Smooth didn’t try very hard to snuff their snickering at Noel’s frazzled exasperation.

“Everybody knows its Glinda.” Andy asserted.  
 Noel’s cheeks must have flared up in embarrassment because nobody could look at him with a straight face. It irked him to no end.

“I was one letter off!” his pitch rose, voice cracking around the retort.

No more arguing continued beyond because Life Long Luminary’s theme song began to boot up on Dolly’s laptop, the TV fuzzily mirroring the sound.

 The gang of them nervously gripped onto their lines, Noel darting to Dolly’s side at her laptop whilst Andy and Smooth gathered by the TV.

He’d been training for weeks, punching in possible numbers with both hands and basically becoming ambidextrous. It actually helped and hopefully, all the time he spent chatting himself up in the mirror or talking to his posters would come in handy too.

The TV and laptop echoed one another as the broadcast went live, the host of Life Long Luminary’s fruity voice fanning the tension thick within the café.

“Hello everyone. It’s your host, Guy Bobby! Today’s Luminary guest is back from his travel across 23 slutty dimensions touring his new album: Roasting Fat Tony, which was recently certified to be the cure for tuberculosis, heart disease, and Ebola. It is none other than the modern day miracle: Johnny Jet-Beam!”

Johnny entered the stage modestly and the roaring applause didn’t stop for a good 10 minutes. They all would have clapped too if it weren’t for the stiffness in their muscles.

The sight of him sauntering on screen made Noel forget to blink, forget to breathe.

The man dawning broad pointed shoulders on a lustrous pink suit, all stripes and arrows and flourish demanded control, demanded attention in the subtle way he nodded at the audience, glitter flecked in his beard and quaffed hair shimmering when he turned his head. The hollows of his cheeks being carved with a rosy shadow gave his face a sculptural quality and his one earring dangled about with every step he took.

He toted a bedazzled guitar case with him, lightly setting it at his feet when taking his seat.

Guy Bobby welcomed him and started blabbering or whatever. Noel couldn’t pay attention with the way Johnny was looking right into the camera.

Right at him.

“… The 56th caller will get to spend a whole 24 hours with Johnny and his guitar…er…”

“Harvey Astro,” Noel interjected for Guy Bobby who seemed to have forgotten, everyone shushed him.

Johnny’s guitar case unzipped itself unhappily and Harvey spat tobacco on the colourful tile floor.

“IT'TH HARVEY ATHTRO YOU BITCH THIPPING BENDER VENDOR,” the guitar’s electric scraggly voice lisped before coughing heaps and hiding back in its case.

“Excuse him, he’s got jet lag.” Johnny apologized.

Guy Bobby tried his best not to take it personally and continued with explaining the next bit of the competition.

In a bid to focus better, Noel blocked out Dolly and the others. He didn’t need their energies knotting into a big yarn mess and fucking with his feng shui.  
Just him, his phones, the screen, and Johnny. That’s all that mattered at the moment.

Since the day his music graced Noel’s ears he never heard sound the same way again. He metamorphosed, a changed man. Captivated. Haunted. Obsessed.

Assistants brought on a podium with a pearly looking phone for Johnny to answer.

“Well, without further a-do-do, our line is open and when this phone rings, it will be the 56th caller!” Bobby announced, the number flashing eerily at the bottom of the screen.

In a frantic panic, the sound of dials slamming around the room ruptured the silence. Noel managed to type the number in pretty fast, no thanks to his heart pummeling all other internal organs in an attempt to burst out his chest.

Too focused on making that happen, he didn’t note everyone around him dropping their phones in disappointment.

The porcelain phone on the TV rang obnoxiously.

“Line’s busy!” Dolly grumbled, tossing her cell. Andy and Smooth did the same. Noel’s cell was dead too, which he pocketed huffily before realizing he had the shops phone in his other hand.

 And it was ringing.

He pressed it as close as he could to his head, practically stuffing it inside his ear, just to be sure. 

It was certainly ringing.

With large eyes snapped open, he stood immersed in the rhythmic humming of the call going through, gawking with mouth agape at the stream. The others ceased their complaining and loomed closer, observing in disbelief as Johnny adjusted his white gloves and carefully picked up the other end.

“Hello?”

His voice not only echoed from the machines around but directly into Noel’s ear, his lips syncing up on the monitor, where he was staring at the camera again.

Staring at Noel.

 _Addressing_ Noel.

Every single thing he’d ever practiced saying in a ‘chill’ way completely dissipated, leaving his mind as clean as the sheets in an engaged Christian couple’s linen closet.

He froze up, cheeks draining of all heat, grip strong on the receiver like a dead man who died in the midst of crushing a soda can.

“Hello?” Johnny repeated.

“Uh- I uh… Y-you’re…” Noel started, painfully awkward.

Johnny waited for Noel to finish his sentence but the conclusion never came.

Dolly, who had been watching on the sidelines in pregnant astonishment, hastily snatched the phone from him.

If he wasn’t full on paralyzed, the fight for that phone call could have been gruesome, bloody even and he was a pacifist. Instead, he stood restricted by his own disbelief, ineffective in every sense.

Smooth and Andy abandoned his side, leaving him to steadily shudder and cusp on hyperventilation.

 They watched the TV as Dolly spoke, very ‘chill’ to Johnny Jet-Beam. An impossible feat.

“Hi this is Dolly, this is actually the line to Luxury Coffee, I’m here with my buddies Andy, Smooth and Noel.” she chatted merrily, completely unphased by exchanging with a god walking earth.

“Ah, wonderful. Hello to you all.” That appealing smoky voice made every word his own. Noel teetered in the back, merely witnessing and trying not to choke on too much air at once.  
  
“When are you coming to the island?” Dolly asked, devoid of nervousness besides maybe fiddling with the curly cord of the rotary dial.

“After the show darling, I’ll be hopping in the Bolt and shooting on over asap,” He guaranteed, just as ‘chill’.

Andy let out a small gasp and whispered:

“He’s bringing the Beamer Bolt here? Oh gosh. Oh my gosh.”

Everything got fuzzy after that, Noel was stuck in his own head.

Dolly wrapped up the call happily and hung up before bouncing to her feet. She took one deep breath and excused herself to the broom closet, where screams of celebration could be heard for a good few minutes before entering back into the café.

Noel, bless his soul, still stood shuddering and bug-eyed, watching like an outsider as Smooth and Andy bustled about the place tidying up. She considered helping around too but ultimately (and reluctantly) approached petrified Noel, slinging an arm over his shoulder the way she always did when he was having a panic.

It usually helped but a little touch wasn’t going to cut off the devilish explosion crushing Noel’s throat.

“Breathe slower, deeper breaths,” she proposed.

His attempts sounded more like a dying animal wheezing for its last breaths but at least it was something.

He blinked a couple times and shut his mouth, a dry taste on his tongue.

“Another breakdown?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Mental kind I suppose?”

He nodded again.

“C’mon,” she decided, leading him through the trendy plastic curtain into the back. “Let’s get you brushed up,”

He shuffled under her arm and allowed her to sit him down on a cardboard box. She pulled out a comb and started to ease it through his hair, the ambiance of it steadily guiding him into calmness. That was until she hit a knot and tugged hard.

“Easy!” he complained.

“Stop being such a baby, do you want to look good or not? He should be coming any moment,”

That wasn’t necessarily a comforting thing to say and it nearly lurched him into another freakout. He gritted his teeth and took deep breaths as he’d been instructed to before.

Eventually, she shifted on to reapplying the mascara he cried off without noticing.

“I can believe you cried just from me talking on the phone with him. Not very cool Noel.”

“Yeah, well, you nipping into the broom closet to celebrate wasn’t very ‘cool’ either.”

“I’m just saying you can’t act that way in front of him when he shows up, it might freak him out.”

“ I still can’t fuckin’ believe it. Johnny Jet-Beam. In my café-“

“Our café.” she corrected.

“Well… Not really though right? You just kinda sit there and drink tea, running your blog…”

“What do you think brings customers in?”

“The coffee?”

“Don’t be silly Noel. It’s all about the look. No one’s gonna come get coffee if there isn’t a little style,”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why do you think people drink coffee? For the way it tastes?” she laughed at the concept and finished adding a bit of colour to his lips. Taking his chin in her hands, she turned him this way and that before plopping his visor back onto his head. “I think we’re finished. I mean… That’s probably the best I can do on a face like yours.”

“Lemme see!” he frowned with a furrowed brow, half expecting to be greeted with another tiger face paint or something else ridiculous as means of sabotage.

Dolly handed him her pocket mirror and when cracking it open he was actually pleasantly surprised. There wasn’t much to be done with the puffiness around his eyes and nose but he supposed he looked nice enough, twisting a strand of hair between his fingers absently before snapping it shut.

“So what do you think?” She pressed.

He hummed instead of offering a compliment, considering her head was already big as it was.

“Guys! He’s here, he’s here!” Andy gasped from the front. There was a shared look before both Dolly and Noel zoomed from the back, tripping one another and pushing the whole way in a race to reach their idol.

They joined Andy and Smooth squashed in a booth, flattening their faces against the glass to watch the marvelous Beamer Bolt Jet land. The swarm of paparazzi already hoarded to meet the man down below who stood accompanied by a group of squatty looking flamingos who bared his luggage. The buffer of the birds acted as bodyguards and one flamingo unclasped a bag, unleashing a foldable elevator that latched itself onto the edge of the volcano. Upon it, Johnny and the rest of the flamingos ascended onto the bridge crossing into the shop.

Everybody jumped out of the booth and ran about like chickens with their heads kicked off.

“Quick, act natural!” Andy called before throwing himself against the linoleum floor, body spread like a starfish.

Dolly simply slid back into her regular chair. Smooth pretended to brew something and Noel stood stiffly behind the register with his hands clasped together, teeth boxed into an uncontrollably massive grin fueled by raw glee and for the most part: fear.

“Tone it down a bit,” Dolly whispered pointedly and Noel tried but didn’t appear any less awkward than before. She rolled her eyes at the lost cause.

The glass double doors parted and a rolling mist invaded the café, causing Andy to cough despite being a robot with no functioning lungs.

The army of flamingos scurried in and assembled Johnny’s luggage like a game of Tetris, all of them squawking off except for the two buff ones with earpieces and sunglasses.

Finally, Johnny Jet-Beam wandered in, looking photo worthy at every angle possible. His hair stood tall on top of his already towering body composed of that same sharp suit he wore on the set moments ago. He plopped his guitar case down by the rest of his things and it swung open, revealing Harvey, but not before an even larger puff of smoke escaped it.

“Thorry. I’m tryin' to cut down.” He had six cigarettes in his mouth.

“Oh, my goodness hello! It is me, Andy Warhol.” Andy clumsily stood up and introduced himself, excitedly shaking Johnny’s hand. Noel narrowly avoided the splintery desire to rush over and push Andy out of the way and jump into Johnny’s arms without ever letting go.

“I’m a huge fan of your work Andy.” Johnny laughed politely, but that instantly caused Andy to short-circuit and slip into stasis. Smooth tottered over and helped prop Andy into an empty chair.

“I’m Smooth, it’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Jet-Beam,” he said with a rare smile and Johnny bent down to shake his hand.

“Please, call me Johnny. You all can,” he promised before striding over to Dolly.

Noel’s face couldn’t help but crack a bit at the fact that _he_ approached _her._

“You must be Dolly,” he concluded sticking a hand out for her to shake.

She took a second longer to turn from her computer before looking at his hand and glancing back up at his face.

“So formal Johnny.” she giggled, “We’re going to be spending 24 hours together, let’s not make it boring.” She suggested.

Noel’s smile was very much fraying, his eyebrows furrowing into a confused look of surprise.

“Fair point,” Johnny agreed, appearing to be enjoying her pizzazz. That must have been what Dolly was talking about in the back; the magic of her charm. Style.

It made him incredibly jealous, not that he would ever admit that.

“Where I’m from we do this,” She leaned forward and air kissed his cheeks, he caught on and mimicked the action.

Noel drew the line there, unable to keep a cap on it any longer.

“That’s not even true, you’re from Berlin! Aren’t you supposed to shake his hand first or something?”

That caught Johnny’s attention.

Those dark eyes on some monitor were nothing compared to the gleamy enchantment of his gaze when only a feet away. He inched closer to the register and Noel unfolded his hands, plastering them to his sides, unsure where else to place them.

The man who wrote the album to save his life, Possessive Party Peanut, was there in the flesh.

Looking at him.

“And who might you be?” he asked simply.

Noel slowly went to open his mouth and nothing came out again.

 Dolly answered for him.

“That’s Noel. He’s a bit shy,”

 Johnny leaned against the counter and eyed him up and down, taking in his silly uniform and (what he hopefully thought was) pretty makeup.

Noel stared back because he couldn’t look away, face exploding with hot pinpricks.

What the hell does he do now?

Now that his #1 hero is here watching him in the face?

Does he say hi?

Go to shake his hand?

Is that too boring?

Kiss him?

Too much?

Pour his heart out?

Confess that he’s got his picture plastered above his bed and some night when he can’t sleep he-

“Do you think I could get some coffee, Noel? It’s been a never-ending trip for me and Harv,” he confided in a soft voice. Entranced, Noel nodded before clearing his throat and nodding again to remind himself to reply.

“O-of course Mr-I mean. Johnny,”

Johnny gave his and Harvey’s order, accompanied by a wink and some finger guns.

Noel promised to get right on it, but not before stepping into the broom closet and screaming into a bag of coffee beans. He coughed up some of the little bits and wiped the bean dust from his face before slipping back into the shop.

Johnny was sat next to Dolly right there at the bar and he underestimated the distance his heart would leap upon seeing that his hero hadn’t disappeared in the seconds he let him out of his sight.

He began prepping the order with more care than he’d ever practiced on washing his hair or doing a felt tip drawing, let alone a drink before

Johnny peered over in his direction occasionally, maybe because Noel was taking too long…. Or maybe because ...No, he was probably just making it all up in his head. Either way, when handing over the coffee, Johnny’s gloved fingers met his and he kind of forgot to let go at first.

He pulled his hand away after a tense second but Johnny still smiled and thanked him quietly.

He next wobbled over to the guitar case and knelt down to Harvey’s level, mentally promising himself to never wash his hand again.

He set out the coffee with a large bendy straw and Harvey thanked him flintily, puffing rings of smoke in Noel’s face before calling over one of the flamingos to help him drink.

“So what’s in the cases, Johnny? Lots of clothes?” Dolly asked curiously.

“Well in actuality I’ve only got one suitcase to myself. The rest belong to Harv. He’s fairly high maintenance.”

“I heard that!” the mechanical voice screeched from off on the floor, coughing following shortly after.

10 minutes might have passed but Noel couldn’t tell, roaming the empty café floor wearily and wiping down already polished tables to pass the time and appear as though he wasn’t watching Johnny’s every microscopic movement when his back was turned.

“So how are we going to settle splitting up the time to spend with him?” Smooth asked once Andy was up and running again.

“We should draw straws.” Dolly offered.

Noel scoffed in disapproval, just because it was Dolly’s idea and he didn’t like her making all the decisions.

“Have you got any better ideas, Noel?” Andy asked.

Noel laughed, “Course I do!”

“So who do you think should be the first to hang out with me?” Johnny intervened, not at all imposing, just curious. Everyone stared at Noel, knowing full well that he wanted to hang out with Johnny first. All day if he could actually. 

He shrunk under their daunting stares, letting the pressure push him around.

“Fine. Let’s draw straws.”

Johnny watched from the counter as the gang huddled in a circle.

“So from shortest to longest straw is the order we get to hang out with Johnny?” Andy asked.

“Yeah, now let’s do it,” Smooth affirmed.

Everyone drew their straw and Noel let out an agitated sigh under his breath, having drawn the longest straw.

“Don’t throw a hissy Noel, at least you get to hang out with him at all.” Dolly scolded. He rolled his eyes at her, moody like a teenager.

They broke and Andy strutted over to Johnny first.

“I do believe I get the privilege of hanging out with you first Johnny. Let us commence in a macaroni art competition.”

“Yes, lets, but before we do I should mention to you all that you are under surveillance by my record label and everything done within the next 24 hours is subject to TV broadcasting.” he pointed to the cameras strapped to each flamingo’s beefy neck.

“That’s alright, Noel has a show too. We’re all on it right now.” Dolly swiveled in her bar chair and pointed to the cameras stuffed in corners around the room.

Johnny noted each lens with appreciation and looked to Noel once more. “I might just have to watch it sometime then eh?”

Wow.

It was like his goal was to make Noel blush like a school girl.

He nearly imploded on the spot, averting eye contact for the sake of his sanity and continued to fiddle with his hair in an unintentionally shy manner. He definitely would replay this episode over and over on his own time in the future. 

“C’mon Andy, macaroni isn’t going to glue itself. You comin’ Harv?”

Harvey laid within his case and declined the offer.

“I think I’m gonna thtick around with the chickth” he said locking eyes on Noel and Dolly. “I think the fatter one ith givin' me the eye,”

That last bit was probably supposed to be a subtle whisper but was actually another scraggly riff of his electric lisp.

Johnny smirked at Noel and shot him another wink before following Andy out the room. On his tail was the other jacked flamingo, prepared to kick ass at any moment. 

Noel leaned over the counter as far as he could to watch Johnny exit the room before laying there, mind blown into chunks.

 “Was I alright? Does my hair still look okay? My eye didn’t do the weird twitching thing it does when I get nervous right?”

“…No…” Dolly guaranteed with a suspicious pause. Noel only exhaled in relief, taking her word for it.

“Wow,” he muttered.

“I know…” Dolly concurred with her cheek in her hand. “…You wanna go spy on them?”

Noel’s expression contorted to one of skepticism.

It would be awful if Johnny caught him peeping in on him and Andy’s time together. He’d look creepy as all hell.

 A lot of things he wanted to do and say to Johnny would probably come off that way, but he intended on avoiding making a fool of himself by asking ‘What would Dolly do?’

But here Dolly was, offering him to come spy with her.

And he couldn’t let her see more of Johnny than he did.

“Yeah,” he admitted nervously. “But we can’t get caught.”

“Of course not, I’m an excellent spy,”

“How are you so sure?”

“Well, you’ve never caught me have you?”

“What have you been spying on me for?!”

Dolly shushed him and slithered out of her chair in a sneaky manner. She signaled for Noel to follow and he attempted to replicate her sneakiness, only managing to parallel a gazelle with one of its legs chopped off.

“Don’t do that around Johnny okay,” she warned, breaking character.

“Alright,”

“I mean it, you looked like-“

“Alright! Can we get to sneaking now?”

The two quietly scuttled off in search of the artsy pair.

“Don’t forget about me!” Smooth called out, snaking along in a precise manner similar to Dolly’s, leaving Harvey alone with his respective bodyguard. He took another sip of coffee before spraying out the mouthful in the flamingo's face.

“Wow, thith coffee thuddenly tathetth like thit.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its nuts that I'm posting the next chapter of this before getting the next chapter of Alone Together up but HERE IT IS!! Edited by Belle aka atropher on tumblr! Please follow them they are hilarious and the BEST.

Andy and Johnny must have competed in over 20 craft related ‘competitions’ by the time Smooth and Dolly started yawning and resting on each other’s shoulders.

‘Competitions’ could be substituted by some other word considering the judge’s panel consisted of a guild of hermit crabs in mittens with little to no prior qualifications in Fine Arts. 

 

They all had shit penmanship so Andy kept having to decode the scorecards one by one, which took an extra 20 minutes each.

All judgment aside, Noel wasn’t bothered by it. Only because he could sit and watch Johnny all day.

What did bother him, however, was that Andy didn’t invite him to do any scoring, considering he did study art at uni. Not that it mattered, because like Noel (and most everyone), the crabs took a liking to Johnny and he won every round.

 “How much longer until this is over?”  Dolly yawned for the 4th time.

Smooth checked his wristwatch. 

“Just a couple more minutes,”

“Don’t do something this boring when you’re with Johnny, alright?” 

“C’mon guys, it isn’t that boring. Art can be really fun”. Noel shifted positions but maintained the capability of watching past the bushes to the shoreline. 

“Don’t pretend like your paying attention to the art bit Noel, we’re only here to stare at Johnny.”

Although true, that didn’t keep the heat from creeping along Noel’s cheeks.

 

 His infatuation for Johnny was achingly obvious, but he couldn’t directly admit the things he wanted that man to do to him.

 Of course, all concepts centralized romance, marriage and moving to a cooler remote island where they would have their own show together, possibly involving puppets… and when the cameras stopped rolling… that side of Noel’s consciousness remained reserved for long diary entries and the occasional drawing which he kept hidden under his mattress.

 Admitting to the force of those thoughts by giving them a casual voice could be dangerous. 

“You guys aren’t going to watch me when I hang out with Johnny, right?” Smooth recognized, quietly checking in with the two to make sure.

Dolly and Noel glanced to one another and shook their heads.

“Course not,” they lied.

Andy stayed preoccupied with scanning the last scorecard over and over. Johnny awaited the results beside their sand sculptures with utmost patience. 

The temptation of taking the empty spot next to smooth (who sat propped against a palm tree with eyes closed) nearly overcame Noel, until finally, the results came in, and like usual Johnny triumphed. 

That must have been the last straw for Andy, seeing that he swallowed the scorecards and spat them back out in shredded confetti pieces snowing all over the shore.

“Failure again!” he howled. “You’re too good Johnny, I’ll never win!” 

“It took him 20 rounds to figure that out?” Smooth grumbled. Dolly and Noel shushed him.

Classic Andy began to cry, which continued to confuse Noel because he was a robot, wasn’t he?

 He should at least cry oil or something. Robots shouldn’t cry in the first place.

That might be slightly roboist to think, but he didn’t care at the moment. Certainly not after Johnny padded over and placed a comforting hand on Andy’s shoulder.

Noel couldn’t blame him for the rock star’s naturally compassionate response, but he could get upset over Andy jumping right to hugging, squeezing his mechanical arms around Johnny’s broad shoulders.

He wondered what they felt like, but didn’t ponder it over much, since there wasn’t a hint of protest reflected in Johnny’s posture. He simply hugged Andy back and (tried to) pet the wayward strands of his white hair into place. 

“You’re a winner to me, Andy,” he assured, which made Andy cry harder and start to glitch. 

Noel didn’t get to witness the rest of the comforting scene because his legs carried him elsewhere, behind a tree to sulk.

What the hell was that? 

Why couldn’t Andy control himself? 

Why did Johnny let him jump all over him like that?

Does that mean he could do the same?

Andy can’t be Johnny’s favorite. 

That spot was reserved for Jet-Beam fan club president, which should logically still be him. 

He couldn’t stand seeing anyone else bask in the glory of his attention, especially when it got physical. 

“Noel,” Dolly hissed, creeping over and dropping at his side. “What’s going on? Why are you hiding over here?”

“It was getting hot in the sun so I found some shade… I felt a sunburn coming on,” he sniffled. 

Dolly raised an eyebrow, not buying any of his excuses. 

“C’mon… don’t tell me you’re jealous of Andy and Johnny-“

“-I’m not jealous,” Noel protested. “… but Christ, why is he all over him? It’s like he’s never heard of personal space,”

“He’s lost every round for the past 3 hours, Noel, it’s just a hug,”

“So what? I’ve lost competitions to Andy plenty of times! I’ve never gotten a single hug!” Noel’s voice rose slightly and Dolly smothered him so it couldn’t build any bigger.

“Are you trying to get us caught?” he shook his head grumpily before she unclasped her hand from his mouth. “Besides, you know how sensitive Andy is.”

“Well yeah, but what on earth made him that way? I mean seriously? He’s a robot isn’t he?”

Dolly sucked in a disappointed breath. “That’s a bit roboist don’t you think?”

“Whatever, I don’t care. Point is, Andy shouldn’t get special treatment, okay?” 

“He isn’t. God, you’re such a brat sometimes, can’t you just be happy for your friends? Johnny will hug you too if he wants to.”

 Noel rationalized the possibility of crafting some witty clap back but what good would that do?

Dolly had a point. 

She usually did and it brought him back down to earth just as much as it annoyed him.

He glared at palm leaves and flowers in place of acknowledging her, which she took as his surrender, pulling on his arm.

“C’mon. Lets go back”

“Guys,” another voice whispered. The two flinched but it was only smooth who crawled over to join them.

“It’s my turn to go hang out with Johnny. We’re gonna be in the shop so don’t bother us alright?” he instructed.

“Alright,” Noel and Dolly shrugged indifferently. 

“I mean it.” He reiterated, more stern this time.

“Alright! We get it,” the two assured.

Smooth scooted off and crossed through an opening, making it seem as though he came down from the shop. He and Johnny took the path back to the volcano, abandoning Andy to mope after one last departing hug from the superstar.

“Right,” Noel stood promptly, dusting sand from his apron. “let’s go follow them.”

“Noel,” Dolly exhaled.

“What?” he blinked, oblivious.

“We can’t just leave Andy”

Noel groaned. “He’s fine! He’s not 5! He can handle himself.”

Dolly whacked his arm (“Hey!”) pinching his ear and dragging him over to the sorrowful bot.

“Andy!” Dolly greeted, hiking through the sand, Noel still squirming in her hold until being released. Noel nodded to him in recognition, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Andy lifted his head and sniffled at the two. 

“Hello Dolly, hello Noel”

They stood there quietly until Dolly elbowed Noel, indicating it was his turn to speak.

“…Do you wanna come spy on Smooth and Johnny with us?” he invited, a sigh tingeing his voice. 

The invitation, despite clearly being given out of obligation, brought a smile to Andy’s mechanical face.

“Oh yes! I would love that. I am an excellent spy,” he gloated.

“Right, everyone’s an excellent spy except for me. Who do you lot even spy on anyway?”

Dolly and Andy whistled suspiciously and Noel squinted.

“You’ve got to be joking! You’re serious? Thatrted. Why?”

“It’s funny,” Andy confessed. 

“Funny? What’s that even mean? I’m funny to peep on? What’s there to watch me do that I wouldn’t do out in the open? I’ve got no shame! I’ve got no secrets,” Noel claimed boldly. 

“So your diary is free game then?” Dolly snorted.

Noel’s mouth gaped a bit at the suggestion.

“You touch that and I’ll file a restraining order,” 

“I thought you said you had no secrets?”

“Yeah, I don’t! But I’d like some fucking privacy if that’s alright?” 

That was a lie. Everyone had secrets, especially Noel. 

“Not to interrupt but I believe we should start moving. Smooth and Johnny could be having fun without us right now,” Andy reminded. 

Noel shot a final glare to Dolly and the three headed back to the shop. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 “Really? You wanna play now? It’th mid-afternoon. I’m in another dimenthion,” Harvey complained around a cigar.

“Would you mind putting that out?” Johnny chided, forcefully taking it from Harvey’s mouth and getting bit in the process. 

“Thon of a bitch,” the guitar coughed.

Smooth tried to keep up a stone expression whilst tuning up his own instrument. A faceless bass he bought at a garage sale. 

The bundle of monotonous pink suitcases still remained piled high in the middle of the café. Johnny kicked one and the flap dropped open, revealing that it was an amp.

Static crackled from clicking in the guitar jack. A brief glimmer of rock ‘n roll magic echoed throughout the space after one strum of the strings.

Noel gasped at the insignificant sizzle of electrical melody, instantly driven to the brink of tears. 

“Are you seriously going to cry?” Dolly giggled.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he barked back, voice still hushed.

The three spies watched from behind the bar, crowded together, eyes barely peeking over the counter.

As if knowing of their presence, Johnny slid the stolen cigar between his teeth, slicking the sides of his hair back when standing across from Smooth, smoke curling about him like a glamorous dragon.

Noel was gonna have to picture scenarios with Johnny smoking when going to bed that night. He didn’t know he needed that image in his head until then. 

Out of nowhere the lights in the café dimmed, only spotlights shining on the two musicians.

“How did it get so dark? What happened to the windows?” Andy asked curiously. Dolly and Noel hissed at him to shut up. 

Smooth started up the bass line to one of Johnny’s earlier works and the star grinned in appreciation, hopping in and shredding out the first few notes. 

Noel hadn’t understood Beatlemania until then. Teenage girls screaming so loud that no one could hear the band play and by the end of the night, each stadium smelt like piss. He liked to believe he was above that level of childish obsession but there he was, biting back a squeal and ready to piss his trousers. 

The playing was amazing for a while but Smooth eventually reached a troubled point, most likely when Johnny started to sing.

Witnessing the pipes of an angel wiped his brain clean of what came next. Noel wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d been paying Smooth any mind, too lost in that head space Johnny’s singing sent him to. He snapped from the dreamy stupor when the music halted slightly, Smooth apologizing. 

“Christ, sorry I…I can’t remember what comes next,” he muttered, staring down at bass trying to think.

“No worries, it’s an odd song,” Johnny mentioned sincerely, coming closer and reaching his hand out to poke certain sets of strings.

“You play these first… Then these,” he pointed out a few more notes before stepping back into his own spotlight.

“What’s the name of this one?” Smooth asked, arranging his fingers against the frets as Johnny instructed.

“Not sure. I don’t know all that letter nonsense,”

“Really? How do you remember what to play?”

“I just kinda…” he plucked out the next epic riff, composed and unconcerned. “Don’t think about it.”

Andy squeezed Noel’s hand, practically cracking his bones. Dolly held the other, matching the robot’s strength. Noel didn’t complain, the beginnings of hyperventilation returning to him.

How could anyone be so perfect?

“Is that how you write your songs? You don’t care?”

 “I mean… it’s not that I don’t care,” Johnny began, taking the cigar from his mouth and handing it off to one of the flamingos. “I think… I think I just find them. The songs. Anyone can discover their songs. I just try and look in the right places,” 

“Where do you find them?” Smooth seemed enchanted by the vague explanation, but of course not as much as Noel who sat with elbows propped on a shelf under the bar, hand in cheek, doe-eyed and brainless.

“Lots of places: Jungles, mountains, pub bathroom, in myself, in others… Just to list a few,”

“Wait, there are songs inside me? That’s a bit unsettling.” 

“Not really, just dig deep and play,” he suggested, folding his hands comfortably.

Smooth watched Johnny anxiously before taking a breath and closing his eyes. He presented random notes at first which matured into a funky string of soul and sound.

 He finished off the amazing jam and Johnny clapped happily, once again impressed. 

Andy went to clap too but Dolly smacked his arm before he could.

“Am I dead? What just happened? I don’t know half of what my hands just did,” Smooth said, lost and confused. 

“You found a good song Smooth, where was it hiding?”

“…Under the kitchen sink in my old flat…” he recalled.

“You must feel pretty groovy,” Johnny laughed.

“Yeah…. I do feel pretty groovy,” he admitted

“Excellent, let’s keep finding your songs.”

Smooth grinned before continuing on his internal quest. Johnny joined in playing alongside him, the two seeming to be in some sort of musical trance.

 The illusion of mere minutes passed when the Anteater’s watch beeped loudly, cutting the spotlights and splicing through their song.

 Outside’s sunshine came cutting back in and everyone blinked away the psychedelic hypnosis that possessed them for hours.

“Gah! My eyes! They did not have time to adjust to the sun!“ Andy wept, rubbing his photoreceptors.

“Shhh!” Dolly and Noel whispered anxiously. 

Thankfully no one caught on to them because Johnny was busy coughing. Things got quiet as the rock star made it through his hacking fit, Smooth assisting him into a chair to rest.

Everything about him became paler, clothing and hair included. 

“I’m fine,” he promised when catching the air. His voice sounded awful, wrung out of all beauty. 

“Fuck,” Harvey wheezed, also sounding terrible. From the looks of it, his shape sagged as if he were melting.

Noel, Dolly’s eyes widened in concern. 

“They don’t appear healthy. Should we call an ambulance?” Andy asked discreetly. 

“Christ, what’s happened?” Smooth spoke before the others could respond, pressing his hand against Johnny’s forehead to test his temperature.

“I promise I’m fine,” Johnny reiterated, pushing his hand off. 

“I’m not- Get me thome fucking coffee holy thit,” Harvey claimed dramatically. Smooth obeyed, immediately rushing over to the bar. 

The spying trio didn’t get time to scuttle off and he almost tumbled into them. They all stared at one another, the three crumpled in a heap on the floor gaping at Smooth who stood speechless and betrayed.

“HURRY UP BITCH THACK IM DYING OVER HERE!” Harvey’s strangled voice complained. There was no time to deal with the huddle so he abandoned them with a look of rage.

“Here!” 

Harvey sucked up the provided coffee in seconds flat. Johnny held his with shaking hands before taking a few sips. 

The superstar duo gradually returned to their normal colour and posture.

 “Thank you Smooth… I’m sorry about that,” Johnny apologized, vocal presence restored.

“You don’t need to apologize, you alright?” Smooth requested delicately. 

“I promise we’re alright… We’ve just… We’ve been playing a lot lately,” Johnny swore warily rising to his feet and tucking Harvey back into his case. He stuffed a couple of pill bottles and porno mags in there before locking him up.

“That was odd,” Dolly commented quietly, still stricken.

“Yeah. Super odd,” Noel agreed, equally worried.

 “I’m really sorry if that was my fault in any way,” Smooth mentioned.

“Don’t be. It’s been amazing fun,” Johnny ensured, leaning down to pat his shoulder comfortingly.

 “…So, who’s next then?”

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

“Couldn’t you have done this yourself?” Noel huffed him and Andy short of breath from carrying the rowboat to the river.

“It shouldn’t have been that hard, I mean there’s three of you, ”Dolly explained, adjusting her handmade earrings. She wore a shorter dress over her bathing suit and put on lipstick for her time with Johnny.

“Well yeah but Smooth was no help at all. He didn’t hold the boat once the entire time,” Noel accused.

“I couldn’t reach! Consider it payback for peeping on me you twats,” Smooth scowled, still deeply offended. 

“Oh come on! You were begging to get peeped on. There were spotlights and everything!”

“Alright boys, no fighting. Johnny should be meeting us out here any minute, and you’ve got to go someplace else. None of you get to watch us” Dolly grinned, directing the group away from the stream.

“And why is that?” Noel jeered.

“Because you can’t even if you wanted to. This river goes through the jungle and leads to a secret part of the island. I would stay here unless you want to get mauled by some wild animals,” 

“Pft. Don’t make it sound so dangerous,” Noel laughed with the others. 

“You’re welcome to find out yourselves, assholes, but go away before Johnny gets here, I want to meet him alone,” she emphasized. 

Noel mocked her for that but the boys somewhat complied and packed behind a boulder. 

Johnny appeared with his designated bodyguard and helped Dolly into the boat like a true gentleman. Noel couldn’t help but feel bitter until picturing himself in the scenario, taking Johnny’s hand and sitting alongside him as a flamingo paddled their boat down the river, disappearing into the jungle. 

“Let’s go!” He instructed excitedly, love-struck and needy. They ducked under tangled vines and entered the wild. 

Catching up with the boat was easy despite the relentless greenery, but it wasn’t long before a massive bird laid eggs in Andy’s hair. 

The mother flew off and they hatched instantly, babies chirping hungrily. 

“Agh-! No! I am not your mother! Oh dear, what am I to do, Noel? I’m not prepared for parenthood” Andy cried hopelessly. 

“Uhh, I don’t know? Set them up for adoption!” Noel suggested with little care, swatting flies that spiraled overhead.

“Good idea! I will be back!” Andy promised and hopped off to safety. 

Noel and Smooth kept trudging forward, trying to keep up with the boat while tripping over roots left and right. Anything below the belt remained invisible under a thick blanket of brush. 

“Oi, where’d my visor go?” Smooth griped, searching the bushes. 

“How should I know?” Noel quipped, agitated with all the obstacles. Just then a pair of hands ripped the visor from his head as well. 

“Hey!” he called out.

A café made entirely of sticks and vines bustled above them, its workforce mainly occupied by monkeys. Some bore the visors while serving cups of unidentifiable drinks to birds and insects. 

Noel had no time for anyone’s nonsense but his own.

“Give us those back or I’ll leave a bad review on Yelp!” he threatened. The response was him and Smooth getting doused in the mystery drinks.

“That’s it. I’m done,” Smooth gave in, heading back toward the clearing. 

“Really?!”

“Really!” He called over his shoulder and Noel was left alone. 

He didn’t give in that easily, trekking after Johnny and Dolly with leaves smacking his face the entire time. 

He stumbled through multiple cobwebs, more than likely stepped in shit 4 times and swallowed gnats along the way but the jungle lightened up. He silently welcomed the safe spot blocked by a bush. He could view the pair perfectly.

The ‘secret’ part of the island Dolly had been referring to was a glistening waterfall.

They parked the boat by some rocks and Dolly peeled her dress off, hopping into the water in her geometric swimsuit. 

She said something like ‘C’mon! the water fuels hate!’ but then again Noel was far away and couldn’t really make out words.

What he could make out was Johnny tugging off his blazer, undoing his tie and tossing it to the side along with his gloves. 

 

Noel’s face burned, moral conscious absent and unable to scold him for staring at Johnny’s exposed collarbone peeking from his loose shirt. 

The man dove into the water like a professional and came back up with makeup intact. His fringe hanging wet and glittering in his eyes and he beamed at Dolly who laughed. Noel was physically unable to keep his breaths steady, heart bounding miles ahead of his body. 

The two had lots of fun swimming and playing ball with the flamingo before climbing out to dry off. 

Johnny’s drenched clothing clung to every inch of his body, leaving nothing to Noel’s imagination.

“Fuck,” Noel whispered to himself, eyes glued on Johnny, disappointment settling in when the star wrapped a towel around his shoulders. 

 

He should have thought to bring a camera or a sketchbook to capture the moment, although he probably wouldn’t need to, the sight burned into his memory eternally. Another thing he got to ponder over when laying in bed at night.

Johnny and Dolly took a seat on the stones by the water’s edge and let their feet wade there while chatting. Noel simply imagined the topic of conversation and continued to stare intently the entire time, again picturing himself in Dolly’s place. 

Where was his guilt?

Off on holiday for all he knew.

Pretending felt wonderful.

 It saved him the anger of jealousy and offered sanctuary in fantasy. Things got especially great when she began to lean in closer to Johnny- 

Wait. 

She was leaning in closer to Johnny, eyes closed.

Oh no.

“No!” Noel shouted abruptly jumping from behind the hedge, mind blank of any consequences he could face.

The two flinched, startled by the disruption.

“Oh my god, Noel! What the hell are you doing here?!” Dolly shrieked before pinching her nose, “And why do you smell like piss?”

Her acknowledgment helped him piece together what he’d just done.   
 

Johnny stared, confused.  
  


Noel stood frozen there; heart too slow. Uncomfortably slow.

 “I-er-I’m… It’s uh- It’s my turn to hang out with Johnny!” he lied dizzily and Dolly scowled.

“No, it isn’t! Now get lost!-“

“Wait! What on earth is on your leg?” Johnny interrupted, pointing to Noel’s ankle.

Noel looked down to discover a massive coral coloured leech snake curled around his shin, jaw clamped into his skin.

Suddenly he could pinpoint the odd phenomena of teeth sunken into his flesh, blood getting sucked from his body.

“Oh,” he spoke softly before looking back up at the two.

He blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... As u might have picked up on I've got a lil bit of a plot goin on.. still kinda winging it tho.. lemme know what u think on tumblr @kingofmods !

**Author's Note:**

> Third thing, I can guarantee you guys that I am winging this shit.  
> I mean I've got a rough outline as to how this is going to go now but when starting out with this chapter I definitely just made things up as I went.  
> That isn't to say that I don't care about this story because I definitely do! I just didn't know I was gonna make this anything but a tiny lil one shot. 
> 
> I can't remember if there was a set way of getting up onto the volcano already and if there was an episode where Dolly was like 'ppl don't come in to drink coffee they come in for the aesthetic' because I haven't rewatched in a while but this is definitely something I'm writing for fun and if there are any inaccuracies that people wanna try my life over that's fine.
> 
> Also: Guy Bobby is played by Rich and Havey is also Noel.


End file.
